What to do

I decided that I need to write more even if I think I have nothing to write about. I know quality might go out the window but since no one reads this anyways I don't have to worry about it.

It's an interesting experience being home and without much of a job prospect and preparing to move to a city I've only visited before with only hope and love to take me there. Reading this article from the New York Times both heartened me and discouraged me. Basically the economy is terrible and it will take me much longer than I thought to get into a career path position. Also working against me, according to the article, is the silly optimism instilled in me by doting parents. That much is definitely true. I'm sure I'll find something, I think to myself. Why am I sure? What sort of assurance is there? The world is not my playground. Even with a Masters from a school in Princeton, NJ, the world does not care at all about me. I think that's one of the biggest realizations that must take place in the transition from adolescence from adulthood - from thinking that everyone is on your side, that everyone supports you and will help you, just like your parents have, to knowing that people in general don't care about you except to the extent that you are useful to them in some way. That's how the whole employment thing goes, I suppose - you just happen to be useful at that particular moment, and so they need you and want you.

It's not like I expect it to be easy. Maybe I do. But I at least thought there would be some opportunities along the way, something that would materialize, based on my education and credentials. I have never realized how naive I am until this whole process. And how few skills I have for making it in the real world because I have never had to practice these sorts of things. I love learning new things (I helped my dad and bro remove an old toilet and install a new one!) but I usually need a way in. I love to research, but I need some sort of starting point.

I've been urged to think outside the box lately, and I guess I'm finding that slightly difficult because first of all I don't know what that means, and second, because it takes a certain amount of concentration and a particular set of resources, I think, to be able to do that successfully. It's hard to concentrate around my house because there is always noise and activity and such. And I do want to spend time with my family before I go, it's just hard because it often seems like everyone is in their own world, like those used to being alone. I think each one of us really are used to spending time by ourselves. So I think that makes spending time together interesting.

Also, I'm really feeling like I need a plan. Somehow I'm living without a plan, or at least a plan I cognitively approve of, that will help advance me in life. I have ambition, but I need to focus it into disciplined habits. I need discipline because I know that without that I doubt I'll be satisfied with my life entirely. I feel like I need to simultaneously be easier and harder on myself at the same time. Quite a feat but we'll see.